by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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