If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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