I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
