you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
