so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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