life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
