So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
