tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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