Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
