hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
