just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
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