Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
