Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
