She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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