So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize