I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
