dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
