just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
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I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
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The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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