apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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