we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
