The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
