then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
