there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
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She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
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We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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