Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
