I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
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She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
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Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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