I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
