his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
