im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
