saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Enjoy the penises
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
