Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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