I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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