his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
