I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
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Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
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I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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