So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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