I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
