Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
