TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
