So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The beer is more important than you right now.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
