Me. At least after what I've been through.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
