My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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