True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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