i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
