i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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