one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
