I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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