She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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