Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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