last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
