my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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