Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
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I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating