Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.