So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him