his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you had me at cake vodka
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
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When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!