That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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