She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
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I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
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Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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