My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
